Hi guys,

Well, where do I start! So much has happened since I last wrote!! I’m not sure I can cram it all in this one post!!

So I received a letter from the hospital a week after my operation booking me into a pre-op assessment on the 2nd of May?? Then a second letter with my operation date set for the 9th of May?? I’m not entirely sure what I’m even having done?? so I called my surgeons secretary to confirm as I thought it could have been a mistake but the secretary confirmed I am indeed having another op, she was quite vague about what I’m having done so I’ll have to get back to you all on that.

So quite a few months ago a lot of my family booked a weekend caravan trip for my dads 60th, my brother Ricky’s 30th and my cousin Lees 40th. There was over 40 of us that went!! I didnt book up to go as at the time I was bed bound and had been for some time. I never thought I would have been well enough to go and I wasn’t well enough up until a few weeks ago (well since I’ve started this blog I’ve started to improve) I’ve been so positive I feel like the old me is starting to resurface and I feel like just maybe I’m on the mend!! its amazing what the power of positive thinking can do I’m truly amazed at how far I’ve come.

My lovely family!!

The only problem I’ve got at the moment is my eyesight I’m going fucki*g blind I’m sure of it!! I go bogged eyed when I’m tired (which is all of the time) and I know that one eye is looking at yea, the other is looking for yea!! I get so embarrassed it’s like I can’t control my eyes so I’ve almost stopped looking directly at people when I’m talking to them (don’t want to make them dizzy ffs) so I’m definitely booking myself an appointment at the opticians!!

My glasses have bloody broke (well I’ve glued them now) but I was walking around with one of the sides missing I looked like a right div!! Me and Steven were having words and as I was going off on one he started laughing at me (which annoyed me) then he just said I can’t take you seriously with them glasses wonky on your face, well when I looked in the mirror I had to laugh I looked like a complete mental case haha 🤣

Anyway I’m sure your wondering about the title and for once the bad smell wasn’t due to me!! My dad and Steven are rank!! and I’m no one to discriminate but jheezes I can still smell it 😷 my dads a fellow cronnie so I can almost forgive it but Steven just takes the pi*s I’ve never smelt anything like it!!

While we’re on the subject of sh*t and farts it came to light that my sister in law has never farted in front of my brother 😳😂 and Steven proudly announced that I also haven’t farted in front of him and to Steven great shame I confirmed that as much as I would like to claim that the reason I haven’t farted in front of him is because I’m a considerate lady oh no no I announce that I don’t fart full stop ✋ I don’t run that risk EVER!! It’s like Russian roulette with my arse its either a fart or a shart so we just save all that for the bathroom 🙈 (sorry to disappoint you Steven)

What a lovely weekend. It’s been such a long time since I’ve actually made it to a family event it was lovely catching up with everyone, I’ve missed out on so much so this weekend meant so much to me it was definitely what the doctor ordered.

There was a time only going back not even 6weeks that I felt so ill I was convinced my body couldn’t take anymore and that I wouldn’t wake up and as morbid as it sounds I used to write goodbye letters to my little one when she would be in bed asleep next to me convinced I was going to die.

I’ve been tempted to pre pay for a funeral as I didn’t want my mum and dad left footing the bill my mum and dad have sacrificed so much for me already I’m a grown arse women but I’ve seriously needed my mum and dad so much over the years and they have been amazing I know I keep saying it but I really do have the worlds greatest parents.

Anyway I never would have imagined I’d feel so good in such a short space of time, going from deep depression and appalling health to actually enjoying life again don’t get me wrong I’m still not 100% but compared To messing myself and vomiting 🤮 most days I can actually say I’ve had a sick/sh*t free week no accidents for me!! And Stevens starting to reap the benefits too sorry if your reading this mum TMI (to much information) I know but there was a long period of time when I never thought I’d enjoy sex again (through fear of sh*tting myself or shi*ting on him) I went through a stage of pushing steven away I thought he deserved better he is still a young man with needs and I could no longer fulfil them or so I thought even though Steven had reassured me nothing could put him off time and time again I was still so scared of messing myself I felt so low I couldn’t understand why he would want me (I still don’t lol)

I could write so much on this subject because I think this is a common thing especially with women that have illnesses like mine but we just don’t talk about it, and as I’m sure you have figured out by now its the subject is likely to make you feel uncomfortable I’m probably going to talk about it lol

I think in my next blog I might just talk solely about being in a relationship with this condition I think a lot of females with my illness will relate and probably be relieved to find out there not alone in this.

Anyway until the next time.

My blessed and not so blessed life. Xx

Ps. Told you it was a long one lol 😆

Hi guys me again!!

I should have posted this blog yesterday but I’ve had my little one off school for the Easter holidays and thought I can sort all of this when she goes back to school which was today 🎉💃😂!!! I mean don’t get me wrong I love my little one to no end but I can’t lie I nearly cracked open a bottle of champagne today (lucky I don’t really drink anymore)

Anyway back to my favourite topic SH*T!! Who knew talking sh*t could be so interesting I’ve had a few comments from readers stating just that, one comment said I can’t believe how much I enjoy reading about sh*t literally and its the reaction I want, I want people to see the humour of it all, don’t get me wrong its a serious subject but if you can make light of a bad situation and laugh about it that can only be a good thing??

Me straight after surgery I woke up feeling better!!

Well I had my day surgery (balloon dilatation) and so far so good 👍 I had to arrive at the hospital for 7.30am my partner had the day off to watch Elsie and my mum drove me to the hospital. My mum felt terrible because she couldn’t stay and wait with me, she has no reason to feel bad, before I had my little one I never went to the hospital appointments alone but I have a 4year old now that needs to be watched she’s the baby here not me!! I’ve had countless operations it wouldn’t be fair to expect my mum and dad to keep having time off work just for me I’m a big girl. The only thing I hate is people starting at me feeling sorry for me cause I’m the only one on my own!! I want to announce and explain why I’m alone then I realise its irrelevant.

Anyway back to the operation before the surgery my back passage had totally collapsed so there was a lot of pressure down there (I hadn’t realised it had bared down been that way so long) well I feel amazing down there my arse or shall we say arses look as normal, well as normal as 3 arses can look anyway. I can’t lie I’ve been whipping it out if front of my mum and Steven (how this man still fancies me ill never know) saying have a look at that for a DA (designer arse 🙈😂) I even made Steven have a proper look and feel I figured that he may as well get use to it now cause the way things are heading he will be changing my adult nappieps before long and I’m afraid by the following morning everything had gone back to normal down there so the operation hasn’t worked 😩 hence the title everything that goes up must come down. 3 years nearly in a constant Crohns and perianal flare, a fistula that I’ve had for about 10years that just won’t heal, oh yeah then I bite into a sweet that I knew I shouldn’t eat and BAM back tooth 🦷 cracks I just said to my mum that’s it now ain’t it!! I may as well get a full set of dentures and a packet of adult nappies I’m 32 this can’t be right??? 32 going on 80, and I seriously feel it not just physically but mentally too, I’m literally drained all of the time. So I spend most of my time alone, when your illness is crohnic it consumes your whole entire mind hence me writing this blog, its really helping me I haven’t got a clue how to do a blog for others too see technology really isn’t my thing but I’m trying to learn 📕

I really want to hammer 🔨 it out there that with chronic illness normally comes mental health (depression) I’ve been living with this illness since I was about 14years old ( Crohn’s disease ) and I never let it get me down ( I didn’t quite suffer as bad then as I do now) I continued to work even with a colostomy bag (but that’s another story) meet guys, thrive I had a lust for life don’t get me wrong I had my bad days like everyone but overall remained positive and was determined not to let this illness beat me to or my upbeat outlook on life. I’ve never felt sorry for myself especially with a bag (but then again I was raised by strong women 🙆) I saw it as it gave me back my quality of life. I had so many visitors come see me in hospital cards and flowers sent to my room they had to turn some away and I was completely overwhelmed by the love and support I received I couldn’t believe how lucky I was and how lucky I am to still be alive. I was able to enjoy life again and boy I enjoyed life,

Below some pics of me and my friends!!!

girls holidays, family holidays, great job amazing social life and I truly believed that id never let this illness effect my mind the way it had my body. Well fast forward 10years and I’ve realised depression has hit me, life has hit me, since becoming a mother GUILT has hit me, loneliness and feeling like a burden has hit me oh yeah along with moon face from these bloody steroids.

I’m sure there are some many others like me out there suffering when you have more bad days then good it can be so depleting, and suicide in people especially women with a chronic illness is considerably higher. I’ve never really been offered any help with the mental aspects of dealing with chronic illness I don’t think it’s massively recognised hence my reasoning for this blog AWARENESS. Hopefully we can highlight this as a massive issue.

Well I have so much to say but I don’t want to bore you any longer so signing off for now its late and I’m still wide awake (shocker) going to stick youtube on and listen to Michael Sealey sleep meditation I find that really helps me sleep. Steriods are a bastard when it comes to sleep. Anyway until the next time.

My blessed and not so blessed life!!!

Hi welcome to my very blessed and not so blessed life!!

I’m just a normal 32year old women/mother (I’m a mum to a beautiful 4year old little girl)

A normal women who has 3 butt holes (yes that’s right 3 bum holes) quite the talent!!Half a stomach!! oh and I think slight mental problems ok not slight complete f**king looney!! so I’ll be signing this Anonymous!!!

I suffer terribly with chronic crohns and peri anal disease and I’ve been in a major flare up (2years on going 🙄) and I just can’t seem to get better and of late it was really beginning to effect my mental health so I started like a blog/journal and I’m finding it’s really helping me out with my mind frame.

So For those of you that don’t know crohns is a very intimate and embarrassing illness especially for us women. We want to remain sexy and ladylike well you try being that with 3 arse holes that leak and flare with also my balding hair and that’s putting the symptoms lightly ….not to worry tho I’m going to let you all know the nitty gritty of what living with crohns is really like unfortunately your going to have to hear of my terrible toilet habits and of my horrific experiences that I can now look back on with humour. So this is why I’m here I want to smash down the walls of not talking about crohns because it’s embarrassing!! It’s not embarrassing it’s not our fault it’s this illness and I want to make it common practice to talk about s**t literally……I’m guessing this blog isent for the light hearted or easily offended… I tend to swear ALLOT it’s just who I am I come from a very working class background and what you see is what you get so please don’t judge me! just come share my experiences if reading my blog is guaranteed to do anything it will make others feel better about there own life’s.

I’m really new to this and I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing I want to add a comments section so readers can get involved and maybe other crohns sufferers can share there stories along with mine. I want to capture the humour in this disease lots of embarrassing stuff/stories coming up

This Isent the last you have heard from me much love peeps 😘 xxx

I’ve asked myself why do I want to start a blog? Why put yourself, your life and embarrassing bits out there? Well there’s a number of reason but theirs 3 main reasons why I want to do this!!

Firstly to help myself!!

I’ve hit my 30’s well I woke up 30 feeling 50 I actually woke up slower,

I’m getting slower by the day 👵🏻 anyway my health has been getting worse to the point I can’t work at all which kills me as I love working and interacting with people, always been a very sociable person but of late this really hasn’t been me!!

I’ve become withdrawn, unsociable, and quite frankly miserable, depressed and fed up of being ill all the time, being unable to work, being unable to take my daughter to school cause I’m bed bound allot of the time 🤬 I noticed my illness was now beginning to effect my mental health.

I was having one of my midnight shower/baths after messing myself AGAIN!! 💩 that’s right messed myself again during my sleep becoming quite the regular thing!! But it was then I had this Epiphany!!

The secret diary of a crohns girl

Not long before I went to bed that night I posted a picture of myself on social media and I received quite a few nice comments and it was then I thought 💭 if only they knew!! Not many people even know I have Crohn’s disease so it got me thinking 🤔

I’m depressed and suffering and nobody knows it. How we’re able to Petrey this life that looks and is so rosey and this just isent the case for most people!! So I want to put myself out there. Writing ✍️ this blog/journal is really helping me process the life cards ♦️ Have dealt me ( a sh*t deck literally) it’s also made me appreciate life cause I now know how precious and delicate life is. Having crohns as bad as I do it’s forced me to look at life and appreciate it cause we really don’t know how many good years we got left!!

My second reason!!

Is to help others!! I’ve joined a few crohns and colitis websites and there are so many people like me suffering and I’m guessing they feel and are feeling exactly as I do!! Feeling like a failure, feeling like a failure as a women, a mother as a partner!! All because my body is failing me and failing me in such embarrassing ways, so embarrassing even to tell my doctors 🥼 but I have to remember and remind myself that’s it’s not my fault and it’s not your fault it’s this illnesses fault 🤬 I want to get rid of this stigma of not talking about it because “it’s embarrassing” it’s not embarrassing it’s not your fault!! So I’m going to let you all know the nitty gritty of what life is really like living with crohns!! And hopefully this can help others like me not feel so alone in this 💪

My third reason

And for me the main reason I’m doing this is for my little girl 👧

if for whatever reason I’m no longer around she will have this blog/journal to look back on. Hopefully she can look back at this with humour and understanding and that she was my reason for living and carrying on, she’s the reason I want to fight this illness even writing this I’m crying 😢 haha such a sad cow 🐄 I know…god this is emotional

My blessed and not so blessed life 😘