A sh*tty surprise!! #NotGuilty!!

Why hello my friends!! Have you missed me!! ๐Ÿคฃ

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, I kinda crashed these last 2 weeks felt really quite low but I’m back on the up heading in the right direction I think ๐Ÿค” who knows with me I could have another breakdown by tomorrow ๐Ÿคฃ I did mention in my first post that I was a bit of a looney toon ๐Ÿคช haha!!

Hospital appointments

As per usual I’ve had appointments coming out my arse!! My last appointment was yesterday, with my surgeon.

As you all know I suffer from perianal disease and I have seatons (drains) in place around my back passage to prevent reoccurring abscesses forming.

The seatons are there so the abscesses can drain, unfortunately, I still get abscesses forming in and around the area and I have an abscess at the moment, its quite painful and the seaton doesn’t seem to be having any effect or helping so the surgeon has put me on antibiotics to hopefully treat the infection.


The surgeon said that when they had a look inside a few weeks ago my stritchers are quite bad, meaning quite a large part of my small intestines is stuck together hence why I can’t really eat and I get very bloated. I have a CT scan and another MRI booked waiting on the results then I’m being booked straight in for surgery another minor surgery. (balloon dilatation again!!) there also going to change my seaton as I had the same one in for about 8 years without it being changed. He also said he would deal with my abscess if the antibiotics aren’t effective!!


Well as per usual the surgeon likes to have a look at the car crash I have for an arse, which is fine I don’t mind him having a look but this time round, while I’m in the fetal position arse in the air and knees to my chest, he casually asks me to bare down as if I’m going to have a poo!! ๐Ÿ’ฉ


I felt my face burn up and go red with embarrassment as I said is that a good idea doctor I suggest you gown up ๐Ÿคฃ

Luckily for him and me it didn’t get any more embarrassing then it already was.

I must admit that’s the first time I’ve been asked to bare down in front of a mans face CRINGE!!!!! ๐Ÿ™ˆ

Anyway I’m sure your wondering about the title shitty surprise!! #NotGuilty so I’ll let you all know.

I spoke to my mum about what I’m about to tell you all and she didn’t think I should write about this because this story is so far out there you probably won’t believe it’s true and that it actually happened!!

I promise that everything I’m about to tell you is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!!!

The injustice of a Tommy tank!!!

For all you none British readers a Tommy tank is slang for a w*nk โœŠ๐Ÿคฃ

So here goes….

It was the month of May 2014 and I was 8months pregnant. I remember that day and especially that night extremely well (I don’t think I’ll ever forget it unfortunately) I had began nesting. Nesting is what most pregnant women do in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy. So I had spent most of the day cleaning and me and Steven went to B&Q for some bits and Steven was going to do all the DIY stuff the following morning.

I also brought a camera to document my pregnancy for memories etc… I was wearing a top that said I love my baby bump so me and Steven took a few pics (selfies) before going to sleep both of us blissfully unaware of what this night had in store for us and what was about to happen.

These pics were taken just before we went to sleep on that exact night ๐Ÿ˜ณ

I would say we went to sleep just after 10pm…well around 2am I opened my eyes and to my complete horror and surprise โ€ผ๏ธ ๐Ÿ˜ณ there right in front of me was a naked man crouched over my face having a Tommy tank (w*ank)

That’s right guys a naked man was masturbating right in front of my face, well over my face actually. Thank the Lord I woke before he got the chance to finish off.


As you can imagine I had just awoken from a deep sleep I probably sensed something or someone was there.

It took me a few seconds to process what was actually happening. At first I thought it was Steven lol I thought to myself what the f*ck am I with a guy that has a bash over me while I’m asleep ๐Ÿคฃ

Then as I started to wake a little more and I realised what was happening. I screamed and jumped back into steven, Steven then woke to see a naked man backing out of my bedroom door.

Well Steven let out this noise like a roar, we laugh now about the sound that he made ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ anyway Steven chased him, the guy then through himself into my bathroom and barricaded himself in. We couldn’t get into the bathroom for love nor money and believe me Steven was trying.

I couldn’t find my phone and was panicking so I ranout of my flat and banged on my neighbours door and used her phone to call the police ๐Ÿ‘ฎ I told Steven to instead of trying to get into him, lock him in until the police arrived.

Well it took well over an hour for the police to turn up. Can you believe that!! And then to add insult to injury Steven had to give the naked man a pair of his shorts as apparently, they couldn’t take him in under arrest naked.


I then heard the naked man saying to the police ๐Ÿ‘ฎ I only live across the road. Well cause it all happened so fast I didn’t get to see his face properly and that’s probably because it wasn’t his face he had shoved in mine (dirty bastard) when I realised he was my neighbour I was in shock complete and utter shock!!

By the time the police came and got him out it was around 4am.

I remember calling my mum to let her know what happened. I remember saying to her โ€well who’s still got it 8months pregnantโ€ lol my brother shouted out only you could say something like that at such a serious time like this. I think humour is a coping mechanism for me.

Well to cut a long story short he was aloud to return home (I couldn’t believe I was going to have to bring a baby into this world with a monster living across the road and there was nothing I could do about it)

I had to Go to the hospital after this incident because of the shock my baby bump had dropped, the hospital confirmed everything seemed fine and I had my healthy beautiful Elsie in June on the 17th she came a little early but she was healthy and perfect!!!

I received a call from the courts on Elsie first birthday to say they had come to a verdict NOT GUILTY!!

Apparently he was sleep walking (sleep walking my arse)

Well as you can imagine I no longer felt safe in my home so I managed to get a move to a different borough closer to my mum and dad I moved from Mitcham in Surrey (south London) to folkestone in Kent. Been here 3 years now and it was the best decision I ever made!!

5mins from my house and mine and my elsie’s safe place!!

Unfortunately, after this traumatic event, my health got a lot worse and has continued to do so (Crohn’s is a stress-related illness) so if there are any solitiors or lawyers out there that want to help me get justice please do contact me!!

I told you this story is pretty out there and if anyone has any doubts (I can’t say I would blame you) I can always provide a crime ref number just as proof that this horric event really did take place

Anyway as always, until the next time.

My blessed and not so blessed life!!!

ps. Sorry this post is so so so late much love ๐Ÿ˜˜

Arse on me hip!! #baglife!!

Late again!

Hi guys,

I’m so so sorry I’m late with this post again!! (typical me) that’s just me all over late for everything. I’d be late for me own funeral!! In my defence I’ve been pretty ill the last few days, I’ve been so tired I can barely keep my head up hence why it’s taking me so long to write this

Operation update!

My last post was Thursday last week I wrote that post while waiting to go in for my minor surgery. So just to update you all went really well, the recovery was great and quite painless.

I had the operation like I said and heeled quickly, my Crohns was somewhat under control (had been for a couple weeks) I managed to take my little one swimming and kidz planet!! she had a blast so did I. I had been managing to eat and put on half a stone ๐Ÿ˜ everything was going so well!! Then my dreaded period came ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

Time of the month!

My periods have been terrible for some time, with me having periods every 2weeks lasting for up to 10 days causing my Crohns to flare EVERYTIME!!

The pain is unreal its like everything swells inside causing massive inflammation, you can actually feel the heat radiating from my back and stomach, so I’m now laid up with a hot water bottle.

I’ve got so much I should and could be doing right now but I’m in way to much pain to move! Its so freaking annoying.

My brains completely motivated willing me to do things, while my body tells me point blank to go fuck myself!!

I’m now not able to eat as my Crohns is now back in full force. I just hope it eases off once my period has finished. Any other Crohns sufferers find there periods are just awful???

Keeping it in the family! ๐Ÿ‘ช

So as your all aware I suffer with chronic Crohns and perianal disease. I’ve been suffering with symptoms since I was 14 years old.

I didn’t realise it was crohns that I had. I’d seen how my dad and my auntie had suffered from crohns for years!! And at the time I was no wear near in their league. I just got belly aches and went to the toilet a lot (I thought everyone was like me)

I remember saying to my friends cause at the time all the girls wore skin tight jeans ๐Ÿ‘– how do you girls wear them all day? My stomach kills me if I wear anything too tight. I also thought I was lazy cause I never seemed to have the same amount of energy as everyone else.

Still I never thought I had crohns! after seeing how my family suffered from it, I thought if it was crohns I would have been a lot worse. As I got older my symptoms got more severe.

I kept going back to my GP to express my concerns, my stomach was so swollen and id put on a lot of weight, I kept explaining that my dad and auntie have crohns and that I’m sure I have it. Time and time I was turnt away to be told it’s not genetic and it doesn’t run in the family. Evidence today does point to crohns being hereditary and that would make sense.

My dad and auntie both have crohns, my cousin has Ulcerative colitis and I have family in Ireland that also suffers with crohns.

Well this resulted in me being untreated for a long time. My stomach completely shut down. Sickness, diarrhoea and extreme pain all the weight I had put on started to come off. I had ballooned to a whooping 14 and a half stone!!! And I’m only 4ft 11

I remember being at work, I worked at the local Guardian newspapers in the advertising department at the time and id be on the phone to a customer and I would have to terminate the call so I could curl up in a ball under my desk the pain was so bad. This carried on for some time getting increasingly worse.

I worked out on the field driving as well and on many occasions I messed myself my health was getting increasingly worse and I could no longer hide it and carry on. So one morning I ran into my mum and dads room, rolling around on there bed screaming in agony. They rushed me into hospital.

Who knew id be leaving with my arse on my hip (Colostomy bag)

I endured the biggest and worst flare up of my entire life (I’ve never felt pain like it) my entire large intestine had completely ruptured and was completely destroyed.

They preformed what they call a Sub-total colectomy. They removed my large bowel left my rectum in (which was still diseased with crohns) so that some day I would be able to have the bag reversed.

Before they preformed the surgery I had been begging to have a bag anything was better then being in the pain I was in, I wasn’t worried about having a bag I just wanted my Quilty of life back.

For some reason I pictured the bag to look like a Tesco’s carrier bag ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

So I had the emergency operation, had a bag and mentally I was fine with it (I was still with my first boyfriend, the one I made wear two condoms lol)

When I first see the bag I cried but I soon got over it. Then the surgeon mentioned that I will know when the bag starts to work because it will start making noises!!

Start making noises I said?? He said yeah you know like passing wind but only in your bag ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Fart noises! ๐Ÿ˜ณ

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said am I going to no when this will happen? Will I know when I’m about to fart? His reply well no!! you don’t have any nerve endings there๐Ÿ˜ฉ So I’ll be just as surprised as everyone else when it goes off ๐Ÿ™ˆ

All that came to my mind was, I’m going to be at work with a client and my bags going to go off and everyone will think I’m there just casually farting (that thought made me want to die lol) I worked on the motors department and most of my customers were male, I was only 18years old at the time.

I thought that’s it I’m never going back to work again and I loved my job still til this day it was one of the best jobs I’ve ever had great work place and amazing people I miss it!!

Baring in mind I had all these thoughts ๐Ÿ’ญ and my bag hadn’t even started working at this point.

As my bag was yet to start working the surgeon arranged to come back and see me to check everything was ok he also asked if it was ok to bring in students. I said it was fine, up uptil that point i had handled everything pretty well right up until the surgeon enlighten me that my bag would soon make farting noises! I then was struggling.

Well in comes the surgeon with the students and he was explaining to them what I’d had done and as he lifted my top to show them his masterpiece!! my bag made this loud horrendous farting sound I was mortified ๐Ÿ™ˆ

All sorts of things running round my head how am I going to be able to work if it does this etc etc..๐Ÿ˜ญ

Round of applause ๐Ÿ‘

Well the surgeon was overjoyed by the noise and he told everyone to give me and my bag a round of applause ๐Ÿ‘

A round of a fucking applause can you believe it!!

Well I completely lost my shit and told everyone including the surgeon to fuck off I don’t know what possessed me ๐Ÿ™ˆ the surgeon apologized he said because I was handling things so well he didn’t think I would have got upset.

I look back now and I can laugh about it lol ๐Ÿ˜† I’ll tell you guys some more of my stories next week!! I hope I haven’t bored you all! I just wanted to share part of my story and experiences with having a colostomy bag.

I haven’t got any pics of me with a colostomy bag it wasn’t really the done thing back then and I didn’t know anyone else that had one. ( if I did have a pic I would definitely postit ) that bag saved my life and I wouldn’t be here today without it.

For all those who currently have a bag I salute you! You are all beautiful.

Until the next time.

My blessed and not so blessed life!!

Sex in the City (I wish) itโ€™s no sex all shi*ty ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ™ˆ

Hi all,

Surgery day today I’m actually writing this in the hospital waiting room. In my last blog I mentioned I was going to talk about being in a relationship with this illness, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do!! (hence the title:

No sex all shi*ty!!!

I received a few comments to say they really think I should discus this topic, a lot of these comments were from women that suffer with Crohn’s or similar illnesses so I’m not going to disappoint!! I suggest you don’t continue reading if your easily embarrassed!!

Firstly let me apologise my aim is to publish a blog every Monday and I think I’ve been on time once ๐Ÿ˜ฉ (that’s me all over tho but I don’t want to stop cause this blog is the only thing keeping me sane right now)

I’ve just been so busy we went to see the inlaws the weekend just gone. I had a really lovely weekend!! I also got to meet up with two of my oldest friends I’ve been friends with Shiloh and Rebecca for over 20years now so it was so lovely to catch up. However my good health and feel good streak is over ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

By Sunday I was laid up on my mother in laws couch with a hot water bottle looking six months pregnant cause my stomach was so swollen. I think that was my bodies way of telling me that I’m taking the piss and I need to take it easy my problem is when I start feeling a little better I get a little too excited and start to run before I can walk, so back to resting it is for me!!

Let’s talk SEX!! ๐Ÿ™ˆ

So let’s get to the nitty gritty!! here goes I can’t lie I’m feeling a little anxious about posting this, as I may be judged but hey this is my reality and what seems to be a lot of other people’s reality too!!

Ok the nitty gritty of sex and the challenges myself and a lot of other women face.

I’ve suffered with Crohns since I was about 14 and per anal disease since I was about 24.

I didn’t become sexually active until I was nearly 17 I had a serious boyfriend and had been with him a while, my first time I made him wear 2 condoms ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿคฃ through fear of getting pregnant!! my mum would have killed me. It was never wait til your father comes home, it was you wait til your mother gets home! then we would really brick it ๐Ÿ’ฉhaha

I can only recall my dad shouting at me once and that was because I went missing at the fair with my mate Becca lol anyway I’m going off topic back to SEX!!

For the majority of my sexual life I’ve had a good run ๐Ÿƒโ€โ™€๏ธif I’m having a bad flare up then I’m not interested in sex because its much too painful! but on a whole I had a good sex life.

Unfortunately the last few years I’ve struggled! I vomit and go to the toilet a lot (I should invest in Andrex toilet tissues) and when I need to go, I need to go and sometimes I don’t even realise I’ve gone ๐Ÿ˜ญ which is the hardest part of this illness for me. I think I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again I can handle almost all aspects of this illness but shi*ting myself isn’t one of them I just can’t deal with it!!

Since I’ve begun messing myself, I’m finding that my mental health was and is suffering and since I sh*t on him (yes I shit on him ๐Ÿ™ˆ) I’ve not really enjoyed sex since!! Sex has become more of a game for me, see how long and hard I clench so I don’t shit ๐Ÿคฃ don’t get me wrong it’s improved of late!!

Spontaneous sex what’s that?

Well spontaneous sex is completely off the table, as soon as I think it’s about to go down I jump up, run to the bathroom try and go to the toilet which normally isn’t a problem as I can sh*t on command (quite the talent haha) then I have a quick shower well as you can imagine the moods normally pasted by the time I’ve done all that.

I’m also limited to positions’ some positions no matter how hard I clench ain’t nothing is going to save me from shi*ting and intern sending me into depression and despair, even though Steven has reassured me he doesn’t care and his words exactly were โ€we can just clean up and carry onโ€ lol and I do believe him when he tells me he doesn’t care but it’s the impact it has on me mentally.

I would push Steven away cause I believed he deserves better, that he should be with someone who could better furfill his needs sexually.

I sometimes feel it would be easier to be on my own. I can honestly say if me and Steven dont work out I would stay single.

I totally understand why people with this illness choose to be on there own. I’ve spoken to many beautiful women young and old that have stayed single for years due to being embarrassed, a lot of our symptoms are embarrassing.

Plus when your ill you feel like a burden and just don’t want to put on other people. In the past when I had my illness under control I was able to hide it, I definitely can’t now. Hiding my illness definitely made me a lot worse.

A few years back me and Steven went our separate ways for a while and I wanted to have fun and act and be like a normal person (which I’m not) well that resulted in me upping all my meds holding my stomach cause I was too embarrassed when I was out. Then my body said that’s enough you piss take NO MORE (I think this definitely contributed to my current health hein sight is a wonderful thing)


I’m riddled with it, guilt I mean. I feel guilty all the time because I’m always shattered (fatigue is one of the most crippling side effects of having Crohns) my moods are all over the place due to medication, lack of sleep and depression.

I’m not as fun as I use to be I’m pretty boring now. I use to love to party now I can’t drink really as just kills my stomach and I can honestly say what really excites me these days is the prospect of an early night and a lay in. I’m just way too wild ๐Ÿ˜†

We sometimes forget its also hard on our partners it requires a lot of patience and understanding, its hard for us going through it obviously but I sometimes think it can be harder on them. I’m honestly up one minute and down the next I don’t know how he puts up with me.

ANAL sex is also a no, its a HELL NO actually I always say to Steven โ€head for the pink NOT the stinkโ€ ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿคฃ

Right I’m heading into surgery now ill post this when I’m back home tonight in bed milking it for all its worth haha.

My mums collecting Elsie from school and keeping her for the evening so I’m looking forward to seeing my bubba tomorrow morning. My sister will be picking me up, so I’m going to take her and the boys MacDonald Drive through on the way home test out the surgery lol

Just want to say to all my fellow women and crohnies that are single cause they believe they won’t be accepted there is someone for everyone and everyone deserves to be loved โค๏ธ

I’ll touch more about this all in my next blog. I’ve got so much I want to say and so many stories I want to share but I’m signing off for now!! Until the next time!!

My blessed and not so blessed life!!

PS. I have warned my mum and told her not to read it!!..but of course she will lol so mum if you are reading I’m sorry and I hope I haven’t embarrassed you but don’t say I didn’t warn ya ๐Ÿคฃ