Arse on me hip!! #baglife!!

Late again!

Hi guys,

I’m so so sorry I’m late with this post again!! (typical me) that’s just me all over late for everything. I’d be late for me own funeral!! In my defence I’ve been pretty ill the last few days, I’ve been so tired I can barely keep my head up hence why it’s taking me so long to write this

Operation update!

My last post was Thursday last week I wrote that post while waiting to go in for my minor surgery. So just to update you all went really well, the recovery was great and quite painless.

I had the operation like I said and heeled quickly, my Crohns was somewhat under control (had been for a couple weeks) I managed to take my little one swimming and kidz planet!! she had a blast so did I. I had been managing to eat and put on half a stone ๐Ÿ˜ everything was going so well!! Then my dreaded period came ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

Time of the month!

My periods have been terrible for some time, with me having periods every 2weeks lasting for up to 10 days causing my Crohns to flare EVERYTIME!!

The pain is unreal its like everything swells inside causing massive inflammation, you can actually feel the heat radiating from my back and stomach, so I’m now laid up with a hot water bottle.

I’ve got so much I should and could be doing right now but I’m in way to much pain to move! Its so freaking annoying.

My brains completely motivated willing me to do things, while my body tells me point blank to go fuck myself!!

I’m now not able to eat as my Crohns is now back in full force. I just hope it eases off once my period has finished. Any other Crohns sufferers find there periods are just awful???

Keeping it in the family! ๐Ÿ‘ช

So as your all aware I suffer with chronic Crohns and perianal disease. I’ve been suffering with symptoms since I was 14 years old.

I didn’t realise it was crohns that I had. I’d seen how my dad and my auntie had suffered from crohns for years!! And at the time I was no wear near in their league. I just got belly aches and went to the toilet a lot (I thought everyone was like me)

I remember saying to my friends cause at the time all the girls wore skin tight jeans ๐Ÿ‘– how do you girls wear them all day? My stomach kills me if I wear anything too tight. I also thought I was lazy cause I never seemed to have the same amount of energy as everyone else.

Still I never thought I had crohns! after seeing how my family suffered from it, I thought if it was crohns I would have been a lot worse. As I got older my symptoms got more severe.

I kept going back to my GP to express my concerns, my stomach was so swollen and id put on a lot of weight, I kept explaining that my dad and auntie have crohns and that I’m sure I have it. Time and time I was turnt away to be told it’s not genetic and it doesn’t run in the family. Evidence today does point to crohns being hereditary and that would make sense.

My dad and auntie both have crohns, my cousin has Ulcerative colitis and I have family in Ireland that also suffers with crohns.

Well this resulted in me being untreated for a long time. My stomach completely shut down. Sickness, diarrhoea and extreme pain all the weight I had put on started to come off. I had ballooned to a whooping 14 and a half stone!!! And I’m only 4ft 11

I remember being at work, I worked at the local Guardian newspapers in the advertising department at the time and id be on the phone to a customer and I would have to terminate the call so I could curl up in a ball under my desk the pain was so bad. This carried on for some time getting increasingly worse.

I worked out on the field driving as well and on many occasions I messed myself my health was getting increasingly worse and I could no longer hide it and carry on. So one morning I ran into my mum and dads room, rolling around on there bed screaming in agony. They rushed me into hospital.

Who knew id be leaving with my arse on my hip (Colostomy bag)

I endured the biggest and worst flare up of my entire life (I’ve never felt pain like it) my entire large intestine had completely ruptured and was completely destroyed.

They preformed what they call a Sub-total colectomy. They removed my large bowel left my rectum in (which was still diseased with crohns) so that some day I would be able to have the bag reversed.

Before they preformed the surgery I had been begging to have a bag anything was better then being in the pain I was in, I wasn’t worried about having a bag I just wanted my Quilty of life back.

For some reason I pictured the bag to look like a Tesco’s carrier bag ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

So I had the emergency operation, had a bag and mentally I was fine with it (I was still with my first boyfriend, the one I made wear two condoms lol)

When I first see the bag I cried but I soon got over it. Then the surgeon mentioned that I will know when the bag starts to work because it will start making noises!!

Start making noises I said?? He said yeah you know like passing wind but only in your bag ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Fart noises! ๐Ÿ˜ณ

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said am I going to no when this will happen? Will I know when I’m about to fart? His reply well no!! you don’t have any nerve endings there๐Ÿ˜ฉ So I’ll be just as surprised as everyone else when it goes off ๐Ÿ™ˆ

All that came to my mind was, I’m going to be at work with a client and my bags going to go off and everyone will think I’m there just casually farting (that thought made me want to die lol) I worked on the motors department and most of my customers were male, I was only 18years old at the time.

I thought that’s it I’m never going back to work again and I loved my job still til this day it was one of the best jobs I’ve ever had great work place and amazing people I miss it!!

Baring in mind I had all these thoughts ๐Ÿ’ญ and my bag hadn’t even started working at this point.

As my bag was yet to start working the surgeon arranged to come back and see me to check everything was ok he also asked if it was ok to bring in students. I said it was fine, up uptil that point i had handled everything pretty well right up until the surgeon enlighten me that my bag would soon make farting noises! I then was struggling.

Well in comes the surgeon with the students and he was explaining to them what I’d had done and as he lifted my top to show them his masterpiece!! my bag made this loud horrendous farting sound I was mortified ๐Ÿ™ˆ

All sorts of things running round my head how am I going to be able to work if it does this etc etc..๐Ÿ˜ญ

Round of applause ๐Ÿ‘

Well the surgeon was overjoyed by the noise and he told everyone to give me and my bag a round of applause ๐Ÿ‘

A round of a fucking applause can you believe it!!

Well I completely lost my shit and told everyone including the surgeon to fuck off I don’t know what possessed me ๐Ÿ™ˆ the surgeon apologized he said because I was handling things so well he didn’t think I would have got upset.

I look back now and I can laugh about it lol ๐Ÿ˜† I’ll tell you guys some more of my stories next week!! I hope I haven’t bored you all! I just wanted to share part of my story and experiences with having a colostomy bag.

I haven’t got any pics of me with a colostomy bag it wasn’t really the done thing back then and I didn’t know anyone else that had one. ( if I did have a pic I would definitely postit ) that bag saved my life and I wouldn’t be here today without it.

For all those who currently have a bag I salute you! You are all beautiful.

Until the next time.

My blessed and not so blessed life!!

Sex in the City (I wish) itโ€™s no sex all shi*ty ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ™ˆ

Hi all,

Surgery day today I’m actually writing this in the hospital waiting room. In my last blog I mentioned I was going to talk about being in a relationship with this illness, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do!! (hence the title:

No sex all shi*ty!!!

I received a few comments to say they really think I should discus this topic, a lot of these comments were from women that suffer with Crohn’s or similar illnesses so I’m not going to disappoint!! I suggest you don’t continue reading if your easily embarrassed!!

Firstly let me apologise my aim is to publish a blog every Monday and I think I’ve been on time once ๐Ÿ˜ฉ (that’s me all over tho but I don’t want to stop cause this blog is the only thing keeping me sane right now)

I’ve just been so busy we went to see the inlaws the weekend just gone. I had a really lovely weekend!! I also got to meet up with two of my oldest friends I’ve been friends with Shiloh and Rebecca for over 20years now so it was so lovely to catch up. However my good health and feel good streak is over ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

By Sunday I was laid up on my mother in laws couch with a hot water bottle looking six months pregnant cause my stomach was so swollen. I think that was my bodies way of telling me that I’m taking the piss and I need to take it easy my problem is when I start feeling a little better I get a little too excited and start to run before I can walk, so back to resting it is for me!!

Let’s talk SEX!! ๐Ÿ™ˆ

So let’s get to the nitty gritty!! here goes I can’t lie I’m feeling a little anxious about posting this, as I may be judged but hey this is my reality and what seems to be a lot of other people’s reality too!!

Ok the nitty gritty of sex and the challenges myself and a lot of other women face.

I’ve suffered with Crohns since I was about 14 and per anal disease since I was about 24.

I didn’t become sexually active until I was nearly 17 I had a serious boyfriend and had been with him a while, my first time I made him wear 2 condoms ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿคฃ through fear of getting pregnant!! my mum would have killed me. It was never wait til your father comes home, it was you wait til your mother gets home! then we would really brick it ๐Ÿ’ฉhaha

I can only recall my dad shouting at me once and that was because I went missing at the fair with my mate Becca lol anyway I’m going off topic back to SEX!!

For the majority of my sexual life I’ve had a good run ๐Ÿƒโ€โ™€๏ธif I’m having a bad flare up then I’m not interested in sex because its much too painful! but on a whole I had a good sex life.

Unfortunately the last few years I’ve struggled! I vomit and go to the toilet a lot (I should invest in Andrex toilet tissues) and when I need to go, I need to go and sometimes I don’t even realise I’ve gone ๐Ÿ˜ญ which is the hardest part of this illness for me. I think I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again I can handle almost all aspects of this illness but shi*ting myself isn’t one of them I just can’t deal with it!!

Since I’ve begun messing myself, I’m finding that my mental health was and is suffering and since I sh*t on him (yes I shit on him ๐Ÿ™ˆ) I’ve not really enjoyed sex since!! Sex has become more of a game for me, see how long and hard I clench so I don’t shit ๐Ÿคฃ don’t get me wrong it’s improved of late!!

Spontaneous sex what’s that?

Well spontaneous sex is completely off the table, as soon as I think it’s about to go down I jump up, run to the bathroom try and go to the toilet which normally isn’t a problem as I can sh*t on command (quite the talent haha) then I have a quick shower well as you can imagine the moods normally pasted by the time I’ve done all that.

I’m also limited to positions’ some positions no matter how hard I clench ain’t nothing is going to save me from shi*ting and intern sending me into depression and despair, even though Steven has reassured me he doesn’t care and his words exactly were โ€we can just clean up and carry onโ€ lol and I do believe him when he tells me he doesn’t care but it’s the impact it has on me mentally.

I would push Steven away cause I believed he deserves better, that he should be with someone who could better furfill his needs sexually.

I sometimes feel it would be easier to be on my own. I can honestly say if me and Steven dont work out I would stay single.

I totally understand why people with this illness choose to be on there own. I’ve spoken to many beautiful women young and old that have stayed single for years due to being embarrassed, a lot of our symptoms are embarrassing.

Plus when your ill you feel like a burden and just don’t want to put on other people. In the past when I had my illness under control I was able to hide it, I definitely can’t now. Hiding my illness definitely made me a lot worse.

A few years back me and Steven went our separate ways for a while and I wanted to have fun and act and be like a normal person (which I’m not) well that resulted in me upping all my meds holding my stomach cause I was too embarrassed when I was out. Then my body said that’s enough you piss take NO MORE (I think this definitely contributed to my current health hein sight is a wonderful thing)

GUILT

I’m riddled with it, guilt I mean. I feel guilty all the time because I’m always shattered (fatigue is one of the most crippling side effects of having Crohns) my moods are all over the place due to medication, lack of sleep and depression.

I’m not as fun as I use to be I’m pretty boring now. I use to love to party now I can’t drink really as just kills my stomach and I can honestly say what really excites me these days is the prospect of an early night and a lay in. I’m just way too wild ๐Ÿ˜†

We sometimes forget its also hard on our partners it requires a lot of patience and understanding, its hard for us going through it obviously but I sometimes think it can be harder on them. I’m honestly up one minute and down the next I don’t know how he puts up with me.

ANAL sex is also a no, its a HELL NO actually I always say to Steven โ€head for the pink NOT the stinkโ€ ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿคฃ

Right I’m heading into surgery now ill post this when I’m back home tonight in bed milking it for all its worth haha.

My mums collecting Elsie from school and keeping her for the evening so I’m looking forward to seeing my bubba tomorrow morning. My sister will be picking me up, so I’m going to take her and the boys MacDonald Drive through on the way home test out the surgery lol

Just want to say to all my fellow women and crohnies that are single cause they believe they won’t be accepted there is someone for everyone and everyone deserves to be loved โค๏ธ

I’ll touch more about this all in my next blog. I’ve got so much I want to say and so many stories I want to share but I’m signing off for now!! Until the next time!!

My blessed and not so blessed life!!

PS. I have warned my mum and told her not to read it!!..but of course she will lol so mum if you are reading I’m sorry and I hope I haven’t embarrassed you but don’t say I didn’t warn ya ๐Ÿคฃ

Family drinks!! ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿฅ‚๐Ÿป the caravan stinks!! ๐Ÿ’ฉ๐Ÿ˜ท

Hi guys,

Well, where do I start! So much has happened since I last wrote!! I’m not sure I can cram it all in this one post!!

So I received a letter from the hospital a week after my operation booking me into a pre-op assessment on the 2nd of May?? Then a second letter with my operation date set for the 9th of May?? I’m not entirely sure what I’m even having done?? so I called my surgeons secretary to confirm as I thought it could have been a mistake but the secretary confirmed I am indeed having another op, she was quite vague about what I’m having done so I’ll have to get back to you all on that.

So quite a few months ago a lot of my family booked a weekend caravan trip for my dads 60th, my brother Ricky’s 30th and my cousin Lees 40th. There was over 40 of us that went!! I didnt book up to go as at the time I was bed bound and had been for some time. I never thought I would have been well enough to go and I wasn’t well enough up until a few weeks ago (well since I’ve started this blog I’ve started to improve) I’ve been so positive I feel like the old me is starting to resurface and I feel like just maybe I’m on the mend!! its amazing what the power of positive thinking can do I’m truly amazed at how far I’ve come.

My lovely family!!

The only problem I’ve got at the moment is my eyesight I’m going fucki*g blind I’m sure of it!! I go bogged eyed when I’m tired (which is all of the time) and I know that one eye is looking at yea, the other is looking for yea!! I get so embarrassed it’s like I can’t control my eyes so I’ve almost stopped looking directly at people when I’m talking to them (don’t want to make them dizzy ffs) so I’m definitely booking myself an appointment at the opticians!!

My glasses have bloody broke (well I’ve glued them now) but I was walking around with one of the sides missing I looked like a right div!! Me and Steven were having words and as I was going off on one he started laughing at me (which annoyed me) then he just said I can’t take you seriously with them glasses wonky on your face, well when I looked in the mirror I had to laugh I looked like a complete mental case haha ๐Ÿคฃ

Anyway I’m sure your wondering about the title and for once the bad smell wasn’t due to me!! My dad and Steven are rank!! and I’m no one to discriminate but jheezes I can still smell it ๐Ÿ˜ท my dads a fellow cronnie so I can almost forgive it but Steven just takes the pi*s I’ve never smelt anything like it!!

While we’re on the subject of sh*t and farts it came to light that my sister in law has never farted in front of my brother ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜‚ and Steven proudly announced that I also haven’t farted in front of him and to Steven great shame I confirmed that as much as I would like to claim that the reason I haven’t farted in front of him is because I’m a considerate lady oh no no I announce that I don’t fart full stop โœ‹ I don’t run that risk EVER!! It’s like Russian roulette with my arse its either a fart or a shart so we just save all that for the bathroom ๐Ÿ™ˆ (sorry to disappoint you Steven)

What a lovely weekend. It’s been such a long time since I’ve actually made it to a family event it was lovely catching up with everyone, I’ve missed out on so much so this weekend meant so much to me it was definitely what the doctor ordered.

There was a time only going back not even 6weeks that I felt so ill I was convinced my body couldn’t take anymore and that I wouldn’t wake up and as morbid as it sounds I used to write goodbye letters to my little one when she would be in bed asleep next to me convinced I was going to die.

I’ve been tempted to pre pay for a funeral as I didn’t want my mum and dad left footing the bill my mum and dad have sacrificed so much for me already I’m a grown arse women but I’ve seriously needed my mum and dad so much over the years and they have been amazing I know I keep saying it but I really do have the worlds greatest parents.

Anyway I never would have imagined I’d feel so good in such a short space of time, going from deep depression and appalling health to actually enjoying life again don’t get me wrong I’m still not 100% but compared To messing myself and vomiting ๐Ÿคฎ most days I can actually say I’ve had a sick/sh*t free week no accidents for me!! And Stevens starting to reap the benefits too sorry if your reading this mum TMI (to much information) I know but there was a long period of time when I never thought I’d enjoy sex again (through fear of sh*tting myself or shi*ting on him) I went through a stage of pushing steven away I thought he deserved better he is still a young man with needs and I could no longer fulfil them or so I thought even though Steven had reassured me nothing could put him off time and time again I was still so scared of messing myself I felt so low I couldn’t understand why he would want me (I still don’t lol)

I could write so much on this subject because I think this is a common thing especially with women that have illnesses like mine but we just don’t talk about it, and as I’m sure you have figured out by now its the subject is likely to make you feel uncomfortable I’m probably going to talk about it lol

I think in my next blog I might just talk solely about being in a relationship with this condition I think a lot of females with my illness will relate and probably be relieved to find out there not alone in this.

Anyway until the next time.

My blessed and not so blessed life. Xx

Ps. Told you it was a long one lol ๐Ÿ˜†

What goes up must come down ๐ŸŽˆ๐Ÿ˜ฉ part 1

Hi guys me again!!

I should have posted this blog yesterday but I’ve had my little one off school for the Easter holidays and thought I can sort all of this when she goes back to school which was today ๐ŸŽ‰๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿ˜‚!!! I mean don’t get me wrong I love my little one to no end but I can’t lie I nearly cracked open a bottle of champagne today (lucky I don’t really drink anymore)

Anyway back to my favourite topic SH*T!! Who knew talking sh*t could be so interesting I’ve had a few comments from readers stating just that, one comment said I can’t believe how much I enjoy reading about sh*t literally and its the reaction I want, I want people to see the humour of it all, don’t get me wrong its a serious subject but if you can make light of a bad situation and laugh about it that can only be a good thing??

Me straight after surgery I woke up feeling better!!

Well I had my day surgery (balloon dilatation) and so far so good ๐Ÿ‘ I had to arrive at the hospital for 7.30am my partner had the day off to watch Elsie and my mum drove me to the hospital. My mum felt terrible because she couldn’t stay and wait with me, she has no reason to feel bad, before I had my little one I never went to the hospital appointments alone but I have a 4year old now that needs to be watched she’s the baby here not me!! I’ve had countless operations it wouldn’t be fair to expect my mum and dad to keep having time off work just for me I’m a big girl. The only thing I hate is people starting at me feeling sorry for me cause I’m the only one on my own!! I want to announce and explain why I’m alone then I realise its irrelevant.

Anyway back to the operation before the surgery my back passage had totally collapsed so there was a lot of pressure down there (I hadn’t realised it had bared down been that way so long) well I feel amazing down there my arse or shall we say arses look as normal, well as normal as 3 arses can look anyway. I can’t lie I’ve been whipping it out if front of my mum and Steven (how this man still fancies me ill never know) saying have a look at that for a DA (designer arse ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ˜‚) I even made Steven have a proper look and feel I figured that he may as well get use to it now cause the way things are heading he will be changing my adult nappieps before long and I’m afraid by the following morning everything had gone back to normal down there so the operation hasn’t worked ๐Ÿ˜ฉ hence the title everything that goes up must come down. 3 years nearly in a constant Crohns and perianal flare, a fistula that I’ve had for about 10years that just won’t heal, oh yeah then I bite into a sweet that I knew I shouldn’t eat and BAM back tooth ๐Ÿฆท cracks I just said to my mum that’s it now ain’t it!! I may as well get a full set of dentures and a packet of adult nappies I’m 32 this can’t be right??? 32 going on 80, and I seriously feel it not just physically but mentally too, I’m literally drained all of the time. So I spend most of my time alone, when your illness is crohnic it consumes your whole entire mind hence me writing this blog, its really helping me I haven’t got a clue how to do a blog for others too see technology really isn’t my thing but I’m trying to learn ๐Ÿ“•

I really want to hammer ๐Ÿ”จ it out there that with chronic illness normally comes mental health (depression) I’ve been living with this illness since I was about 14years old ( Crohn’s disease ) and I never let it get me down ( I didn’t quite suffer as bad then as I do now) I continued to work even with a colostomy bag (but that’s another story) meet guys, thrive I had a lust for life don’t get me wrong I had my bad days like everyone but overall remained positive and was determined not to let this illness beat me to or my upbeat outlook on life. I’ve never felt sorry for myself especially with a bag (but then again I was raised by strong women ๐Ÿ™†) I saw it as it gave me back my quality of life. I had so many visitors come see me in hospital cards and flowers sent to my room they had to turn some away and I was completely overwhelmed by the love and support I received I couldn’t believe how lucky I was and how lucky I am to still be alive. I was able to enjoy life again and boy I enjoyed life,

Below some pics of me and my friends!!!

I had a colostomy bag on that hen weekend still had an amazing timeMe at 18 on a hen weekend in Benidorm

girls holidays, family holidays, great job amazing social life and I truly believed that id never let this illness effect my mind the way it had my body. Well fast forward 10years and I’ve realised depression has hit me, life has hit me, since becoming a mother GUILT has hit me, loneliness and feeling like a burden has hit me oh yeah along with moon face from these bloody steroids.

I’m sure there are some many others like me out there suffering when you have more bad days then good it can be so depleting, and suicide in people especially women with a chronic illness is considerably higher. I’ve never really been offered any help with the mental aspects of dealing with chronic illness I don’t think it’s massively recognised hence my reasoning for this blog AWARENESS. Hopefully we can highlight this as a massive issue.

Well I have so much to say but I don’t want to bore you any longer so signing off for now its late and I’m still wide awake (shocker) going to stick youtube on and listen to Michael Sealey sleep meditation I find that really helps me sleep. Steriods are a bastard when it comes to sleep. Anyway until the next time.

My blessed and not so blessed life!!!

Bottoms up!! ๐Ÿ‘

Hi Everyone!!!!

Well, I just wanted to start by saying thank you to everyone that read and commented on my blog so far!! I’ve been totally overwhelmed by the response and kind words!! I’ll be honest I was waiting for all the nasty comments (I was prepared for all the keyboard warriors to come and rip the s**t ๐Ÿ’ฉ out of me) excuse the pun!! but to my great surprise, I’ve had nothing but amazing and wonderful comments!!! THANK YOU all so much again!!

I just want to let you all know a little bit about myself, I’ve posted some intermate details about my condition and symptoms but I haven’t told you much about me or my story so here goes!!

My name is Leanne I’m 32, I’m from a very working class background. I was born in Tooting, South London 1987 I’m the eldest of 3 siblings. Growing up I lived on a council estate until I was about 11 then my mum and dad brought there the first home!! I was born into the most amazing and loving family (I’m very lucky). Out of my mum and dad kids I was always the problem child (when I say problem I just mean a little bit rebellious) I definitely caused my mum and dad to worry about me the most, I never took anything seriously ie school, life, my illness I kinda still don’t (not sure if that’s a good or bad thing haha) but now with my illness they continue to worry about me (I feel terrible about this and now I’m older and have my own child I realise what a bit*h I was at times) So mum, dad I would just like to say I don’t know how you put up with me and how you continue to do so, all I know is I don’t know what I would have done without you both and that me and Elsie (my little girl) love and appreciate you so much. I’ll update you all a bit more about me in my next post (hope I havent bored you too much)

My lovely mum, dad, daughter, nephew and me with my moon face (steroids make your face round hence the title moon face) I know you other cronies feel my pain ๐Ÿ˜ณ

So I recevied a call from the surgeon and they have booked me in for surgery. (there going in through my back passage so Ill be in and out the same day!!) I’m in two minds about this surgery (I’ve had it done before …it didn’t work) the surgery is called balloon dilation so they put a balloon up in my intestine to open it out, I have what they call a stritcher (medical term) my intestines are sticking together and I have narrowing of the small bowls this is causing me terrible pain when I eat. The only worry I have is that the last time I had this procedure I got relief for about a week but then my back passage collapsed again and it made my incontinence worse!!! now I can handle mostly all aspects of this illness but sh**ting myself I can’t deal with it!! ๐Ÿ’ฉ๐Ÿ˜ญ Since then my incontinence has improved so I’m a little reluctant to have this done again only for it not to work and for it to open up the sh*t gates (literally) I’ve actually been making it to the toilet lately (well most of the time anyway!)

Well I decided I will go ahead with the surgery (Just going to buy a packet of adult f**king nappies on the way) I’ve also got an MRI booked to see the extent of my problems so hopefully we can try and fix me or work towards me having some sort of quilty of life (it is my little one I feel for I can’t do too much with her and it kills me the guilt I feel haunts me at night)

So hopefully after the surgery I might be able to eat and play again YAY!!! I’ve not been able to eat for a while now currently weight 6st 10 (on a liquid diet as my stomach can handle solid foods) I’ve never been this tiny in my life!! I feel like a pubescent little girl and trust me ladies I’ve been every size imaginable (but that’s another story just know us women were never bloody happy) Ill update you on the surgery when I have it!!

On a positive note my health has been the best its been in 2 years, I’ve felt quite good these last few days and thank god I have becasue my little one has been really unwell been getting sick in the night so the last 3 nights I’ve been up stripping her bed and cleaning up sick, I know its terrible but when my little one and partner get a little ill I almost enjoy it cause it’s the only time everyone wants to chill and lie down (means I can lay down feel ill without feeling guilty don’t judge me ๐Ÿ˜‚) My little one is a trooper no nonsense or fuss from her while she’s getting sick and I think it’s because she is so used to seeing me getting sick she actually thinks its normal and that in itself is really worrying, so she’s been off school, she loved having time off shes perked up today!! she put on a massive dance and singing show just for me (I do love my cheeky money). My mum took her to the panto to see Beauty and the Beast last weekend and she said she had to practically pin my Elsie down cause she was breaking her legs to get on the stage and join in!! So I called a performing arts school today waiting for them to get back to me. I so wish I was well enough to have taken her myself to the panto but the last time I tried we spent most of the time in the toilets cause I kept being sick!! it broke my heart that she couldn’t watch the full show, so my amazing mum did the honours this time. I really do have such an amazing family.

My Blessed and not so Blessed life!!

The secret diary of a crohns girl!!!

Hi welcome to my very blessed and not so blessed life!!

I’m just a normal 32year old women/mother (I’m a mum to a beautiful 4year old little girl)

A normal women who has 3 butt holes (yes that’s right 3 bum holes) quite the talent!!Half a stomach!! oh and I think slight mental problems ok not slight complete f**king looney!! so I’ll be signing this Anonymous!!!

I suffer terribly with chronic crohns and peri anal disease and I’ve been in a major flare up (2years on going ๐Ÿ™„) and I just can’t seem to get better and of late it was really beginning to effect my mental health so I started like a blog/journal and I’m finding it’s really helping me out with my mind frame.

So For those of you that don’t know crohns is a very intimate and embarrassing illness especially for us women. We want to remain sexy and ladylike well you try being that with 3 arse holes that leak and flare with also my balding hair and that’s putting the symptoms lightly ….not to worry tho I’m going to let you all know the nitty gritty of what living with crohns is really like unfortunately your going to have to hear of my terrible toilet habits and of my horrific experiences that I can now look back on with humour. So this is why I’m here I want to smash down the walls of not talking about crohns because it’s embarrassing!! It’s not embarrassing it’s not our fault it’s this illness and I want to make it common practice to talk about s**t literally……I’m guessing this blog isent for the light hearted or easily offended… I tend to swear ALLOT it’s just who I am I come from a very working class background and what you see is what you get so please don’t judge me! just come share my experiences if reading my blog is guaranteed to do anything it will make others feel better about there own life’s.

I’m really new to this and I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing I want to add a comments section so readers can get involved and maybe other crohns sufferers can share there stories along with mine. I want to capture the humour in this disease lots of embarrassing stuff/stories coming up

This Isent the last you have heard from me much love peeps ๐Ÿ˜˜ xxx

All sh*ts!! No giggles!!

I’ve asked myself why do I want to start a blog? Why put yourself, your life and embarrassing bits out there? Well there’s a number of reason but theirs 3 main reasons why I want to do this!!

Firstly to help myself!!

I’ve hit my 30’s well I woke up 30 feeling 50 I actually woke up slower,

I’m getting slower by the day ๐Ÿ‘ต๐Ÿป anyway my health has been getting worse to the point I can’t work at all which kills me as I love working and interacting with people, always been a very sociable person but of late this really hasn’t been me!!

I’ve become withdrawn, unsociable, and quite frankly miserable, depressed and fed up of being ill all the time, being unable to work, being unable to take my daughter to school cause I’m bed bound allot of the time ๐Ÿคฌ I noticed my illness was now beginning to effect my mental health.

I was having one of my midnight shower/baths after messing myself AGAIN!! ๐Ÿ’ฉ that’s right messed myself again during my sleep becoming quite the regular thing!! But it was then I had this Epiphany!!

The secret diary of a crohns girl

Not long before I went to bed that night I posted a picture of myself on social media and I received quite a few nice comments and it was then I thought ๐Ÿ’ญ if only they knew!! Not many people even know I have Crohn’s disease so it got me thinking ๐Ÿค”

I’m depressed and suffering and nobody knows it. How we’re able to Petrey this life that looks and is so rosey and this just isent the case for most people!! So I want to put myself out there. Writing โœ๏ธ this blog/journal is really helping me process the life cards โ™ฆ๏ธ Have dealt me ( a sh*t deck literally) it’s also made me appreciate life cause I now know how precious and delicate life is. Having crohns as bad as I do it’s forced me to look at life and appreciate it cause we really don’t know how many good years we got left!!

My second reason!!

Is to help others!! I’ve joined a few crohns and colitis websites and there are so many people like me suffering and I’m guessing they feel and are feeling exactly as I do!! Feeling like a failure, feeling like a failure as a women, a mother as a partner!! All because my body is failing me and failing me in such embarrassing ways, so embarrassing even to tell my doctors ๐Ÿฅผ but I have to remember and remind myself that’s it’s not my fault and it’s not your fault it’s this illnesses fault ๐Ÿคฌ I want to get rid of this stigma of not talking about it because “it’s embarrassing” it’s not embarrassing it’s not your fault!! So I’m going to let you all know the nitty gritty of what life is really like living with crohns!! And hopefully this can help others like me not feel so alone in this ๐Ÿ’ช

My third reason

And for me the main reason I’m doing this is for my little girl ๐Ÿ‘ง

if for whatever reason I’m no longer around she will have this blog/journal to look back on. Hopefully she can look back at this with humour and understanding and that she was my reason for living and carrying on, she’s the reason I want to fight this illness even writing this I’m crying ๐Ÿ˜ข haha such a sad cow ๐Ÿ„ I know…god this is emotional

My blessed and not so blessed life ๐Ÿ˜˜